Thursday, 22 April 2010

June 16th 5047 BC - 20:57

This afternoon I ran my 'insurance' idea past Hapheth, who's usually got his head screwed on more-or-less right. Unfortunately he didn't like it very much. He actually said that never in the history of the world has he heard such a ludicrous idea. I argued that the history of the world was pretty short, all things considered. He went on to say that the concept sounded like extortion, and God would surely have left me behind and turned me into a pillar of some plentiful mineral if he'd thought I was planning such a criminal endeavour, and such a fate would certainly await any man who would dare try such a thing. Hapheth certainly has a colourful imagination! He's probably right though; it just seemed like a good idea at the time. On the upside, it's good to know that God will always be there to punish all wrongdoers with with his wrath and anger. On the downside, I've got to make sure I'm never one of them! Thinking about it, it's not all that obvious what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. It might be quite helpful if God gave us a comprehensive set of laws that we can follow to the letter, to make sure we're never bad and never get punished again. Ok, maybe not actual laws, but an extensive set of rules would be fine. Ok, perhaps rules would be a bit on the restrictive side. Now I think about it, a few guidelines would be more than sufficient! Definitely no more than ten...

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

June 15th 5047 BC - 13:23

He's getting really annoying now. Everything he looks at in the ark he says "oh you shouldn't have done it that way, you should have done it this way!" What would he know? I mean, who's ever heard of a dove-tail joint anyway, and what good is a dove's tail in making a strong wooden joint? He's so full of it! How he landed such a fine young lady as Sarah I've no idea. He did say something that was interesting though. He said what a pity it was that we'd lost our homes and everything we'd worked so hard to build, and wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to cover us for this kind of thing. It's given me an idea! Now the world (what's left of it) knows that terrible things actually can happen, I can suggest that everyone pays me a small amount on a regular basis. Then if something terrible happens again I'll pay them compensation. Of course, as terrible things don't happen all that often, I'll make more than I may have to pay out! It's genius!! Mind you, God can move in mysterious ways, so I might have to exclude any 'act of God' from this 'insurance' (for want of a better name)...

June 14th 5047 BC - 15:42

I hate to say it but everything seems a lot better since our unexpected guests joined us. Sarah has taken over the cooking, and now every meal is delicious! I don't know how she does it - even the water tastes better! She's also been busy cleaning, and the living quarters are nicer than they've ever been! Wotsisname has been busy too - he's repaired the leaks in the roof (and there were a LOT), he's mended some of the animal pens that were in need of repair, and he's even started cleaning up the animal mess! Actually he seems a little too eager to help, which for some reason I find kind of annoying. Nevertheless, I can't help thinking that my lot haven't quite been putting in maximum effort (which again begs the question of why God chose me and my family!). Anyway, I'm certainly grateful for the help, the energy, the youth and the enthusiam. I suppose I should be grateful for his also...

Monday, 19 April 2010

June 12th 5047 BC - 10:18

This morning at the break of our night's fast I had a chance to see our new guests under less wet conditions (although she looked pretty fine with her wet dress clinging to her ample woman's chest!). Her given name is Sarah, but I don't remember his name... John or something. Not important. It turns out that we were neighbours back before the flood, but for some reason we'd never seen each other. Strange, as they only lived about 8 miles away from us. I had lots of questions for them, such as what she liked to eat, what time of the year she was born in, and so on, but their questions seemed a little more important. For example, why did we have such a big boat, and why did we have so many animals with us? I said "because God told us to do it as he intended to flood the world and kill everyone because there was so much bad in all people although in his infinite wisdom and omnipotence he spared me and my family." Sarah and wotsisname looked horrified. My wife swiftly kicked me under the table, and I realised why. I quickly said "Just kidding! Ha ha ha! Well, to be honest we like animals a lot, and we decided that they needed a nice holiday... a chance to see the world. We needed such a big boat because there were so many animals. It was a good thing too, what with this rainstorm being so bad and flooding everywhere!" Thankfully our guests gave a sigh of relief, although how they believed my cover story I have no idea.

On a separate note, Shem's wife is no better at cooking than Ham's wife! She manages to burn everything, and she seems to have no idea how to bake bread! I told her that she has to let it rise before cooking it - it's not like we're in a hurry or anything - but she said she likes it flat. She must be the only person in the world who does! Nevertheless, I will ask Sarah if she can cook. After all, she and wotsisname must earn their keep on our boat. Speaking of which, I could probably get him to do something with all the animal mess - it's really out of control now!

Saturday, 17 April 2010

June 11th 5047 BC - 07:06

Yesterday goes down as the strangest day ever, and that's coming from someone living on a gigantic boat full of beasts that can't swimeth on a world almost completely covered in water! We were sitting down eating our dinner as usual; I was telling the story of Adam and Eve and their troublesome kids for the umpteenth time, when all of a sudden there was a knock on the door! You could have heard a very small beast that creepeth drop! At first I thought it was Ham playing another one of his practical jokes, but he was there at the table with the rest of us. We sat looking at each other in silence, mouths and eyes wide open. Then came another knock. I said "Err... who is it?", but no answer, only another knock. "Well open it for heaven's sake," my wife blurted, "it might be God!" "God doesn't need to knock on the door!" I replied. Then we started arguing about why God wouldn't use the door, and it was only another knock that stopped us having a real family furore. I reluctantly got up and opened the door, and there was a young couple standing there, soaking wet. I have to admit that I didn't really notice him, but I definitely noticed her! I may be old, but I haven't lost my eye for a pretty lady! Anyway, it turned out that they were already on a boat when the flood started (apparently some kind of romantic celebration of their wedding) and they'd been on it all this time, unware that the world was being completely flooded! I'm not sure how they could be that much unaware, but who am I to judge newlyweds? Anyway, there was me thinking we were the only people left in the world! After everyone had gone to bed, I asked God if he'd considered the fact that some people may be on boats, and therefore not really affected by a flood all that much, and He said "Err, *ahem*, yes, of course!" Frankly I'm not convinced.

Friday, 16 April 2010

June 10th 5047 BC - 11:58

It's been three days and I'm still feeling under the weather (literally!). In fact I think I'm getting worse! Anything that goes inside me comes out again almost immediately, and not only from my mouth! I'm beginning to think I may have eaten something bad. I asked Ham's wife about the fish she's been using for the soup, and she told me it was a very good catch. So good, she said, that she's been "making it last for ages". Then she told me that Shem, Hapheth and Ham are also sick, but she refused to agree that it was something we had eaten, saying it was just a coincidence that we'd been the only ones to eat her soup. Then she said something about "men's lower tolerance for illness and pain", but I'm sure that can't be true. I asked her why none of the women had eaten the soup, and she said they'd been stuffing themselves with olives and weren't hungry. Hmmm, olives... stuffed... I wonder. Anyway, no more fish soup, and I'm going to ask Shem's wife to do the cooking from now on.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

June 7th 5047 BC - 15:37

Still feeling poorly. Ham's wife made some fish soup, which I managed to get inside me, and so far it's stayed there. I don't know what she put in the soup - it tasted a bit odd to me, but maybe that's down to my nausea. Anyway, it's nice to be resting even though I feel bad. I don't remember the last time I had any peace and quiet. Definitely not since before I started building the ark, and that feels like a very long time ago. On the subject of time, I think we should start counting the years. I mean, saying "four years ago" is ok, but without a point of reference, it really doesn't mean anything to anyone else. This log is a perfect example - someone could be reading it two hundred years from now, and if I write "2 years ago", they won't know when that was in relation to them or the rest of the world. Whereas, if we start counting from now and I write "2 years before I started counting years around the time of the great flood that covered the world when all beasts that creepeth and hoppeth and wriggleth came onto my very big boat in twos and sevens with me and my family", the reader would know that it was two hundred years plus two ago! Ok, I may need to find a shorter way to write it... maybe just "Noah"! Then people can say "two hundred years after Noah"! Thinking about it, would the first year be "0" or "1"...?

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

June 6th 5047 BC - 10:21

So much for divine intervention - just as we were beginning to get through to Hapheth's wife (I can never remember her name), a great storm blew up from God knows where! I've seen some storms in my time, but this one really took the biscuit! Just as my iron constitution went out the port-hole (along with the contents of my stomach), Hapheth's wife burst out of the store room screaming about the thunder and lightning! She was so scared that she completely forgot about the calf. I managed to stagger in and saw it lying calmly on the floor, but the stench of the sweaty room hit my stomach hard and I had to leave VERY quickly. Now the storm has subsided, but the mere thought of cooked calf makes me feel very sick... even writing about it makes me fe..... oh no not again...! excuse me...

Saturday, 10 April 2010

June 5th 5047 BC - 15:13

Hapheth's wife is still in the store room! Hapheth has tried reasoning with her, but I don't think he's getting through. The gopher-wood doors must be very thin, because this afternoon I could clearly hear her singing to the calf (very badly though) and I'm even sure I heard her referring to two calves! I always thought she was a bit strange, but now I think she's gone completely crazy! I could hear her drinking my grape drink too, so she's really not my favourite person right now. I pray she hasn't finished it... maybe God can do something to help...? I saw in my dream last night that I was sitting down to succulent calf cooked over the spit, and when I woke up this morning I was sure I could still smell and taste it. That was a nice dream. The reality is that I'm stuck on a floating zoo with just my family and about a million beasts that moveth in one way or another, while the rest of the world has been washed away in the worst storm ever. The food on this Ark is terrible, and my one chance to have something fresh and delicious is hanging in the balance by a woman who appears to have lost her mind. Apparently the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Note to self: in future, put the grape drink somewhere only I can find it.

Another note to self: don't let anyone else read this log!

Thursday, 8 April 2010

June 4th 5047 BC (supplemental)

I don't believe it! Just as I was finishing my last entry, Hapheth's wife happened to look over my shoulder in curiosity. When she saw what I'd written she just went crazy! She started screaming "No-one's going to touch my baby!" and she went and locked herself in the store room with the calf. All attempts to coax her out have been futile. All we can hear through the door is her saying to the calf "Don't worry little one, I won't let them eat you!" To make matters worse, my grape drink is in there too!! I really am at the end of my tether...

June 4th 5047 BC - 07:47

It's a miracle! A blessing from God! The Cow I thought was fat has had a baby! Finally I can look forward to some lovely fresh meat! Just the thought of it makes my mouth water uncontrollably... Normally we'd be able to cure some and save it for later (after all, we could be cooped up on this floating menagerie for years!), but constant rain and dark skies means we'll have to eat it all quickly. What a pity. Now I think about it, I'll bet my new grape drink will be a perfect accompaniment with freshly cooked baby cow! Wow, I can't wait to try!!

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

June 3rd 5047 BC - 16:22

My wife was still angry with me today, and unfortunately there aren't many places to go on this Ark to get some peace and quiet. Still, the store is as good a place as any, so I spent most of the day in there drinking my special drink. Coincidentally I feel a bit under the weather - dizzy and nauseous. I guess I must have eaten something bad. It can't be that bad though, because I feel like I really really love my wife and my three sons, and their wives, and all the beasts that creepeth and slithereth and glideth... even the yukky little beasts that slimeth. I love them all!!!

I'm feeling very philosophical... I keep asking myself "Why me?" I really wish I'd asked God when he was telling me about building the Ark and the animals and everything, but the thought never crossed my mind! I suppose it's easy to become blasé about miracles and acts of God with them happening so often, and it probably always will be. I know I'm glad to be alive of course, but when I look at my sons and their wives, I wonder what sort of future they can bestow on this World. As it is, their kin are going to have to marry each other, and I'm not sure the outcome will be the best start for the new world. And that's assuming that between them they can manage at least one boy and girl! In all honesty I have my doubts...

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

June 2nd 5047 BC - 10:03

Yesterday I tried my grape drink idea, and it was very successful! This new drink tastes different to grape juice, so I must give it a name. I will think about this. I drank a lot of it yesterday evening, and yet I have a headache again today, so it's obviously not from drinking too little. Must be some other reason...

Apart from enjoying my new drink, I had a bad night last night. My wife was angry with me for going to bed very late, and she said my breath smelled like rotten grapes. I was feeling quite amorous - not a small feat for a 600-year-old - and I made my mood very obvious. She said she wouldn't have bed-time union with me unless I was the last man on Earth! When I pointed out that, apart from her three sons, I was the last man on Earth, she just rolled over and went to sleep. I wasn't sleepy so I went back to the store and had more of my special drink. I woke up on top of one of the giant tortioses. God knows how I got there!

Monday, 5 April 2010

June 1st 5047 BC - 11:29

So far today hasn't being going too well. I woke up with a very sore head and I have no idea why. I only usually get a headache if I don't drink enough, and last night I ate a LOT of the over-ripe grapes, which is pretty much the same as drinking as they were very soggy. Maybe they weren't liquid enough though... I should press all the juice out of them and make a nice grape drink - that should remove the risk of headaches, especially if I drink a lot of it! Thinking about it, I should probably keep this grape concoction to myself...

Sunday, 4 April 2010

May 31st 5047 BC - 23:37

The Ark may have been pitched from bow to stern to make it float, but why didn't we think to waterproof the roof?!! I really need to check that 'How to build an Ark that WORKS' scroll again. Anyway, the rain is coming in all over the place and it's a real problem. My supply of writing parchment got wet, and instead of my log looking like a neatly scribed text, it looks more like the spadefoot toads have been dancing on it! Still, I at least I don't have to carve my log in stone like my forefathers used to, so I have to thank the wonders of modern technology! I can't imagine that anything will ever come along that will be better than ink and parchment for keeping a record!!

On a more positive note, the grapes seem to have got a little too ripe. Okay, a LOT too ripe. My wife started complaining that they were ruined and we'd have to get rid of them, so I decided to eat some anyyway, just to show her that they really weren't so bad (and to keep her quiet). I have to say, they made me feel... gooooooood!

Saturday, 3 April 2010

May 30th 5047 BC - 11:31

Another day another problem. Apparently there's a hole in the roof. One of the doves managed to escape and there was pandemonium! I had a feeling the gopher wood I used was inferior. 10-year guarantee my foot! Wait until I get my hands on the man who sold it to me! Well, I suppose he won't be selling any more of it. What goes around comes around.

Anyway, I had to climb on one of the giraffe's backs to reach the roof so I could patch it up, but as I was balancing, trying to hold the new wood in one hand and the hammer and nails in my other, the dove flew back in. The giraffe was startled, I lost my balance and fell off. Thankfully there's plenty of sawdust and straw everywhere, but even so I'm sure I'll have a nasty bruise on my backside tomorrow. I don't feel much like repairing the hole now either. If the doves want to fly off it's up to them. We'll see just how far they get!

Friday, 2 April 2010

May 29th 5047 BC - 14:23

Crisis! Shem just noticed we made a mistake with the elephants. Instead of bringing two Africans and two Indians, we brought four Africans! What are we going to do? It's too late to go back now!! Ham suggested we pick the smaller pair - the ones with the small ears - and pretend they're the Indian ones, but I'm not convinced. Indian elephants are very big, brown, covered in long, thick hair, and with very long tusks. Then again, who is there to argue?! Ham and I don't always see eye-to-eye, but I may have to go with him on this one. I'll just have to make a note somewhere that the brown, long-haired elephants were extinct long before I was born. I'm not exactly sure who the note is intended for... maybe my descendants thousands of years from now...

Thursday, 1 April 2010

May 28th 5047 BC (supplemental)

I keep thinking back to the people who didn't make it. I guess they're ancient history now. They all laughed when I told them of an impending flood that will cover the Earth, and I guess I would have laughed too, had it not been for God giving me the nod the way he did. Anyway, I guess I'm having the last laugh now. Come to think of it, it was kind of strange God telling me to build a big boat and to gather a male and a female of all beasts that creepeth, crawleth, flyeth, and generally run around a loteth. He said: "Noah, I want you to build a boat". I said "What colour?". He said "It doesn't matter - just make sure it's really big". He is so wise.

Of course, when He said it needed to be big enough for 7 of every kind of clean beast and 2 of every kind of unclean beast (although to be perfectly honest they all seem unclean to me, couped up in this gigantic wooden box), and then gave me instructions on making it 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high, I had the idea that we would have a lot of room to move around. I mean, I'd only ever seen a few different kinds of animals and birds - I thought that's all we had to accommodate! I had no idea there were so many different animals from other places! Who's ever heard of a hippopotamus?

May 28th 5047 BC - 10:23

I couldn't tell you where we are now, but there's a lot of black rock-oil floating on the water's surface. I certainly hope we don't end up in this dirty place!

I mentioned last night over dinner about how it would have been nice to have some recreational facilities on the Ark, and Ham got very excited. He said how nice this would all be if it wasn't raining, as if it were some kind of vacation! We all laughed of course. I mean, who would get on a ship for fun? I'd understand if you need to get somewhere on the other side of a large body of water - especially if you have a lot of animals to carry - but for a vacation? It will never happen. Ham even went so far as to say you could have somewhere to swim on the ship, like a swimming 'pool', at which point the rest of us started laughing uncontrollably. Sometimes I wonder if that boy really is my son...

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

May 27th 5047 BC - 19:48

I'm not sure as to the wisdom of bringing flies and mosquitoes on board. Sleeping is almost impossible with those damn mosquitos constantly buzzing in my ears! The flies get everywhere, including in our food. I reckon that thousands of years from now people will remember the name 'Noah' every time a fly lands in their soup! The animal mess is the biggest problem though - the flies are all over it! I really must think of a way to get rid of it all. I guess I can just dump it over the side... anywhere is fine, just as long as it's nowhere near where we will end up.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

May 26th 5047 BC - 11:03

Getting tired of eating fish for every meal, and frankly I feel I’m not alone. There have been many a hungry look at the cows and pigs lately, and it's a bit worrying. There must be some animals - maybe the ones that aren't so cute - that we can eat. I mean, who will know?! On the subject of eating, I can't think why on Earth my wife brought so many olives with for the journey. "A handy snack" she said, but I'm getting quite sick of them! If I never see another olive tree again it will be too soon! I don't know where we'll end up, but I really hope there are no olive trees and very little rain!

Monday, 29 March 2010

May 25th 5047 BC - 12:53

With all the rush to get this ship built and the animals on board, I've had little time to contemplate what it all means in the grand scheme of things. I've also had little time to organise cleaning up all the animals mess. Must do something about that! With hindsight it would have been nice to have had a bit more warning about this flood, and enough time to make this ship just a bit more... comfortable. It's all well and good having a place for each and every pair of beasts, and space for all their foods, and designing it so that they don't eat each other, but it would have been nice if God had included some recreational facilities for us humans. I'm fed up with playing 'I-Spy' every day. Personally I wouldn't know one type of kangaroo from another! I said to my wife that I'm a farmer, not a zoologist, and she said "Then why you got the job God only knows!"

Sunday, 28 March 2010

May 24th 5047 BC - 08:22

Shem's wife is sulking after I said she was crazy for bringing two of each different species of fish on board. Shem started shouting at me for upsetting his wife, and in the heat of things I accidentally trod on a spider. I cleaned up the mess, and so far no-one has noticed its absence. Personally I don't think anyone will miss it - it's not as if there's a shortage of spiders in the world. Still not sure what to do with the other one though...

Saturday, 27 March 2010

May 23rd 3047 BC - 07:52

Would you Adam and Eve it, it's still bloody raining! God only knows how much longer it's going to continue. Morale is running pretty low, and many of the animals are sick. You'd think with all the people on board someone would have some basic knowledge of anteater physiology. The female unicorn is very sick indeed, and I'm not sure she'll pull through. The roof is leaking badly and most of us have a cold - those who don't will catch it soon enough. We ran out of cloth rags days ago, so now we're having to wipe our noses on the rabbits.