Thursday, 22 April 2010

June 16th 5047 BC - 20:57

This afternoon I ran my 'insurance' idea past Hapheth, who's usually got his head screwed on more-or-less right. Unfortunately he didn't like it very much. He actually said that never in the history of the world has he heard such a ludicrous idea. I argued that the history of the world was pretty short, all things considered. He went on to say that the concept sounded like extortion, and God would surely have left me behind and turned me into a pillar of some plentiful mineral if he'd thought I was planning such a criminal endeavour, and such a fate would certainly await any man who would dare try such a thing. Hapheth certainly has a colourful imagination! He's probably right though; it just seemed like a good idea at the time. On the upside, it's good to know that God will always be there to punish all wrongdoers with with his wrath and anger. On the downside, I've got to make sure I'm never one of them! Thinking about it, it's not all that obvious what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. It might be quite helpful if God gave us a comprehensive set of laws that we can follow to the letter, to make sure we're never bad and never get punished again. Ok, maybe not actual laws, but an extensive set of rules would be fine. Ok, perhaps rules would be a bit on the restrictive side. Now I think about it, a few guidelines would be more than sufficient! Definitely no more than ten...

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

June 15th 5047 BC - 13:23

He's getting really annoying now. Everything he looks at in the ark he says "oh you shouldn't have done it that way, you should have done it this way!" What would he know? I mean, who's ever heard of a dove-tail joint anyway, and what good is a dove's tail in making a strong wooden joint? He's so full of it! How he landed such a fine young lady as Sarah I've no idea. He did say something that was interesting though. He said what a pity it was that we'd lost our homes and everything we'd worked so hard to build, and wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to cover us for this kind of thing. It's given me an idea! Now the world (what's left of it) knows that terrible things actually can happen, I can suggest that everyone pays me a small amount on a regular basis. Then if something terrible happens again I'll pay them compensation. Of course, as terrible things don't happen all that often, I'll make more than I may have to pay out! It's genius!! Mind you, God can move in mysterious ways, so I might have to exclude any 'act of God' from this 'insurance' (for want of a better name)...

June 14th 5047 BC - 15:42

I hate to say it but everything seems a lot better since our unexpected guests joined us. Sarah has taken over the cooking, and now every meal is delicious! I don't know how she does it - even the water tastes better! She's also been busy cleaning, and the living quarters are nicer than they've ever been! Wotsisname has been busy too - he's repaired the leaks in the roof (and there were a LOT), he's mended some of the animal pens that were in need of repair, and he's even started cleaning up the animal mess! Actually he seems a little too eager to help, which for some reason I find kind of annoying. Nevertheless, I can't help thinking that my lot haven't quite been putting in maximum effort (which again begs the question of why God chose me and my family!). Anyway, I'm certainly grateful for the help, the energy, the youth and the enthusiam. I suppose I should be grateful for his also...

Monday, 19 April 2010

June 12th 5047 BC - 10:18

This morning at the break of our night's fast I had a chance to see our new guests under less wet conditions (although she looked pretty fine with her wet dress clinging to her ample woman's chest!). Her given name is Sarah, but I don't remember his name... John or something. Not important. It turns out that we were neighbours back before the flood, but for some reason we'd never seen each other. Strange, as they only lived about 8 miles away from us. I had lots of questions for them, such as what she liked to eat, what time of the year she was born in, and so on, but their questions seemed a little more important. For example, why did we have such a big boat, and why did we have so many animals with us? I said "because God told us to do it as he intended to flood the world and kill everyone because there was so much bad in all people although in his infinite wisdom and omnipotence he spared me and my family." Sarah and wotsisname looked horrified. My wife swiftly kicked me under the table, and I realised why. I quickly said "Just kidding! Ha ha ha! Well, to be honest we like animals a lot, and we decided that they needed a nice holiday... a chance to see the world. We needed such a big boat because there were so many animals. It was a good thing too, what with this rainstorm being so bad and flooding everywhere!" Thankfully our guests gave a sigh of relief, although how they believed my cover story I have no idea.

On a separate note, Shem's wife is no better at cooking than Ham's wife! She manages to burn everything, and she seems to have no idea how to bake bread! I told her that she has to let it rise before cooking it - it's not like we're in a hurry or anything - but she said she likes it flat. She must be the only person in the world who does! Nevertheless, I will ask Sarah if she can cook. After all, she and wotsisname must earn their keep on our boat. Speaking of which, I could probably get him to do something with all the animal mess - it's really out of control now!

Saturday, 17 April 2010

June 11th 5047 BC - 07:06

Yesterday goes down as the strangest day ever, and that's coming from someone living on a gigantic boat full of beasts that can't swimeth on a world almost completely covered in water! We were sitting down eating our dinner as usual; I was telling the story of Adam and Eve and their troublesome kids for the umpteenth time, when all of a sudden there was a knock on the door! You could have heard a very small beast that creepeth drop! At first I thought it was Ham playing another one of his practical jokes, but he was there at the table with the rest of us. We sat looking at each other in silence, mouths and eyes wide open. Then came another knock. I said "Err... who is it?", but no answer, only another knock. "Well open it for heaven's sake," my wife blurted, "it might be God!" "God doesn't need to knock on the door!" I replied. Then we started arguing about why God wouldn't use the door, and it was only another knock that stopped us having a real family furore. I reluctantly got up and opened the door, and there was a young couple standing there, soaking wet. I have to admit that I didn't really notice him, but I definitely noticed her! I may be old, but I haven't lost my eye for a pretty lady! Anyway, it turned out that they were already on a boat when the flood started (apparently some kind of romantic celebration of their wedding) and they'd been on it all this time, unware that the world was being completely flooded! I'm not sure how they could be that much unaware, but who am I to judge newlyweds? Anyway, there was me thinking we were the only people left in the world! After everyone had gone to bed, I asked God if he'd considered the fact that some people may be on boats, and therefore not really affected by a flood all that much, and He said "Err, *ahem*, yes, of course!" Frankly I'm not convinced.

Friday, 16 April 2010

June 10th 5047 BC - 11:58

It's been three days and I'm still feeling under the weather (literally!). In fact I think I'm getting worse! Anything that goes inside me comes out again almost immediately, and not only from my mouth! I'm beginning to think I may have eaten something bad. I asked Ham's wife about the fish she's been using for the soup, and she told me it was a very good catch. So good, she said, that she's been "making it last for ages". Then she told me that Shem, Hapheth and Ham are also sick, but she refused to agree that it was something we had eaten, saying it was just a coincidence that we'd been the only ones to eat her soup. Then she said something about "men's lower tolerance for illness and pain", but I'm sure that can't be true. I asked her why none of the women had eaten the soup, and she said they'd been stuffing themselves with olives and weren't hungry. Hmmm, olives... stuffed... I wonder. Anyway, no more fish soup, and I'm going to ask Shem's wife to do the cooking from now on.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

June 7th 5047 BC - 15:37

Still feeling poorly. Ham's wife made some fish soup, which I managed to get inside me, and so far it's stayed there. I don't know what she put in the soup - it tasted a bit odd to me, but maybe that's down to my nausea. Anyway, it's nice to be resting even though I feel bad. I don't remember the last time I had any peace and quiet. Definitely not since before I started building the ark, and that feels like a very long time ago. On the subject of time, I think we should start counting the years. I mean, saying "four years ago" is ok, but without a point of reference, it really doesn't mean anything to anyone else. This log is a perfect example - someone could be reading it two hundred years from now, and if I write "2 years ago", they won't know when that was in relation to them or the rest of the world. Whereas, if we start counting from now and I write "2 years before I started counting years around the time of the great flood that covered the world when all beasts that creepeth and hoppeth and wriggleth came onto my very big boat in twos and sevens with me and my family", the reader would know that it was two hundred years plus two ago! Ok, I may need to find a shorter way to write it... maybe just "Noah"! Then people can say "two hundred years after Noah"! Thinking about it, would the first year be "0" or "1"...?